perksofbeingmel

There’s nothing left for us to say or do. There’s no going back to those days where we could be carefree with our words. Now all we have is our memories and thoughts we “get” to keep to ourselves.

I understood the issue, but I thought the issue was resolved. I thought we were adults now, I thought friendship would be allowed? After all, that’s all we’ve ever been anyway, until now it seems.

Seems like your reality is predicted and manipulated to rules that are not your own. You’re locked up, locked down, and I won’t conform to anyone’s rule but my own. A friendship should only be controlled by the two. And I pity that you don’t have control of the friendship you say meant the most.

What a life you “get” to live. Forgive the anger in my words. Forgive my judgement on how you choose to live. I guess I’m still holding onto this grudge and I can’t get over it. I’ll keep saying I’m over it, and that I want you to be happy. And each time I say it only half of it will be true.

I can only hope you are receiving everything you deserve. I pray that you are happy with the choices you’ve made. I can say that I understand you have to choose marriage over friendship, & I appreciate the efforts you’ve made. But our time is up now. It was up the moment 6 years ago that everything changed. This is what we “get.”

I want to blame you, her, myself, anybody really. But maybe it’s nobody’s fault at all. I think this is how we have to live, whether we like it or not, whether we created it or not.

Just know I’ll be thinking of you, just know I’ll think of our memories often, just know I’ll wish there could have been more. Just know I’ll be thankful for the greatest friendship I’ve ever had – and be happy to of had it, and be devastated that it ended.

Damn. I’ve been writing about you for years. I’ll probably continue for many years to come. This is now the way I “get” to speak to you. I’ll express to you my love, my anger, my disappointment, my hope that you’re happy. It will all be here. I’ll tell you I know you tried, but I’m done trying and waiting and you should be too. I’ll tell you again that I know you tried, and that it’s not enough.

I hope you don’t think you’re not worth fighting for. But there’s no more fighting here. I feel like each route, we lose. We lose out on us and who we really are. We can’t be ourselves.

I’m not interested in pretending – so it’s better to be nothing at all than something we’re not.

I’m sorry. I hope you “get” it.