There’s no way I can stop being mad at you, deep down, I always will be.

But I need to find a way to stop thinking about you, anticipating you, and wondering about you.

I want to stop thinking about you. I need to stop thinking about you. For the rest of my life.

But I don’t think I can accomplish that, and it would be an accomplishment – but I don’t think I could do it because of how mad I still am. Being mad means I care, but I don’t want to care anymore.

And as I’m writing this, and trying to come up with my next line of expression, I begin to get mad at myself. I’m mad that I still give a shit, I’m mad that you probably don’t. I’m mad at how it all happen. I’m mad that you’re here.

I’m mad at how you being here makes me feel. Before, when we were separate, I could pretend a little better that you didn’t exist. But now, you’re real again and I know it’s inevitable that I’ll see you around.

Most of the time when people say “see you around,” it’s something both parties look forward to. I don’t want to see you around, anywhere, ever. I don’t want you to be near me, but in fact, you are extremely near to me, come to find out.

I think this has been one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to deal with. And I’ve dealt with my fair share of painful things.

I know our situation is not unique. And I know I am not the only one who’s ever lost someone important. I am not the only one who’s ever had a heartbreak like this. But I am unique, and you were unique, but you’re not anymore & I’m usually not wrong about those I think I see a light in. But your light burnt out a long time ago.

And maybe everyone’s light burns out eventually, but damn yours was taken from you too soon, and it makes me feel sorry for you.

Even though it’s not my nature, you’ve made me etch you as demon in my mind. I’ve turned you into this demonic creature, as a defense tactic to help me think of you in a different way. It’s so hard to stop loving you and caring for you. But if I turn you into a demon, it helps me realize what I know to be true. You’re not coming back, you’re not the same, I am not the same, I can’t love you anymore, and we are not friends anymore.