perksofbeingmel

what am I supposed to do with all this pain leftover?

do I disperse it evenly in tolerable doses?

I know that it will never go away, so to hell with the idea of trying to bury it.

I believe in feeling everything – or, maybe I don’t believe it, so much as I cannot help but feel everything.

I like to think I’ve handled grief well, thought that’s not what I was aiming for.

I never thought of myself as someone who could just accept things – I have so much trouble accepting things most of the time – it takes me quite a while to absorb information, digest it, sit with it, decide how I feel about it, then decide what to do with those feelings. perhaps this is why my brain is on overload most of the day.

but I guess with this I had no choice but to accept what was – you were gone & I was alone again. and I think it will seem unfair for the rest of my life.

every time I think of you, I am happy, so when people ask me why I’m always so happy – it’s always because of you.

but the sadness seeps in & ruminates within my soul, I think that’s just part of it all. but never think that you are the cause of my sadness, no, never. the sadness comes from the ways of the world that no-one can understand. and I think that’s part of the pain, we can never understand why bad things happen, why you’re no longer here and why something in the clouds decided you belonged there instead.

just know, my beautiful girl, that in every lifetime I would choose the pain I now feel, just to relive my life with you.