perksofbeingmel

I find it a bit troubling how the olympics happening (we aren’t even watching it) bothers me so much. I honestly can’t stand anything gymnastics related. It brings up a lot of weird feelings I’m trying to name and sit with, as much as I’d like to just push them away or not acknowledge them.

Being the kind of gymnast I was, competing & winning against now big names, and working as hard as I did when I was so young feels worthless at this point of my life.

But I did have great memories there – for a long time it was the best part of my day or life. I was happy there, accepted and loved there, unlike school, which was an absolute nightmare on any given day.

But this week when someone asked me if I was watching the olympics, I laughed out loud. I cringe at the thought of the sport entirely for so many reasons. Maybe I’m dramatic about it but damn I had some weird “revelations” about it this week.

First off, I was always winning, at every competition. Not ego, just truth. And it felt good, easy, satisfying. The recognition at the gym during practice and at meets was very…something…. But holy shit was I so young. Receiving so much attention DAILY, so much PRAISE – you’d think that wouldn’t mess a kid up. And maybe it didn’t mess kid Mel up, but it fucked with young adult and grown Mel quite a bit. For a long time, and even now, I crave acceptance and validation in many forms. I’m trying to learn I only (for the most part) need my own acceptance and validation.

Then I’d switch to school, a completely toxic fucking nightmare where I was called stupid by teachers, put in special ed classes (very grateful for that though, actually), made fun of for anything you could think of during one half of the year, then had a best friend for the other half of the year. I’ve been pants’ed in the hallway, ditched at the lunch table, called a whore for having male friends (duh, cause all the girls were bitches), ganged up on in the hallway by girls who threatened to bet me up (HA!!) and more. This is not me asking for sympathy, this is simply my pointing out the back and fourth environments I had. Fuck that shit was exhausting.

Anyways – I started to hate the sport when everyone realized how good I was. Again, not ego, just truth. Basically, it became forced, less fun, and only about winning and perfection. So I resented it. I wanted to quit every second of everyday. But as a kid, you don’t have much say (no shade to my parents!) & you just have to go with the flow of being a kid who have parents who want the best for you. (I also want to add, I really did have a great childhood in a lot of respects)

Again, anyways – the thought I had earlier this week while I was laughing at the thought of watching the olympics was this – back then as a kid, as a gymnastics, everyone always said I was a “beast” and “so tough, so strong” – I think they mostly meant physically, it is amazing what gymansts are capable of – but I was never really mentally tough I don’t think. Maybe sometimes, maybe I could be at times. But I don’t think I was by choice. I was guilted into being “tough” a lot of the time.

Now, I’m 30 years old, and I kindly say that I am not on the victim mentally train that a lot of younger folks taunt around – I say that as respectfully as I can. I admire some of the tough love I got back then, I admire the passion, honesty and respect that was drilled into me through the sport. But I can say now that I did not appreciate the following:

• I often wanted to stay with my mom or have her with me and I would cry when coaches told me to get over it and make her walk through the doors without letting me say goodbye – the told to “suck it up” – I was always told to stop crying, that shit has stuck with me for a long time…fuck man. I am a very emotional person, I always have been, but being told all your feelings were invalid and to simply “stop” really fucks with your emotional capabilities.
• My knees often bothered me as a kid during practice as I got a little older – “tough shit, keep going” was basically the motto.
• Took too long in the bathroom? 50 pushups
• Need a water break? Nope.
• Made a mistake and got upset/flustered about it? 50 suicides (running exercise)
• Having a bad day? We don’t care, we need you to perform.

I could go on and on. These are all things I’ve thought about a lot the last….20 years (so wild to say) and I hope that one day I can come to a place of peace about the subject. What I’ve written here only scratches the surface, but I wanted to document some of it while it was on my mind.

Looking at these old pictures of myself, I kind of don’t even know who that kid was – because she’s so different in some many ways from who I am now – and that kind of makes me sad. I can definitely recognize a lot of great things I learned from being a gymnast and things I learned from my coaches, but for now, still, all these years later, the bad outweighs the good.