I think since I graduated high school, every year of my life has gotten better. I’ve continued to become happier as each day turns into weeks, months and years. Coming from such a dark place that was K-12, I emerged excited and overwhelmed with freedom. It’s taken me almost 7 years to figure out what to actually do with that freedom, but thank goodness it did, because I don’t think I would have what I do now if it was rushed.

There are so many things that I choose to share, and so so many that I do not. I think of myself as someone with a very open personality, but I am very private. It’s interesting the things people will choose to say about your life when they don’t “know the whole story.” But does anyone have a “whole story?” Is anyone’s story ever really complete? Done? Chapter after chapter, then death…done?? I refuse to believe that life and our stories just end.

Anyways. Back to what people say. Sure, you can be one of those people who doesn’t care what people think. But just because you don’t care (AKA let it tear you down/make you change, etc) I don’t think it means you don’t forget or not feel those things. Especially if those things are hurtful. If you’ve heard me talk about feelings before, you know I am a firm believer in feeling the shit out of those feelings. We were given emotions for a reason, and I believe that to my core. We are meant to feel everything. And it’s our mind and heart that chooses how we feel those feelings. My body decides to, as I said, feel the shit out of every feeling all at once. A dear friend of mine, Gila, has agreed with me, but explained that she herself puts a time limit on how long she will allow herself to feel everything. I’ve not gotten to that level of mastering my feelings yet, but I do think I’m making an effort. I remind myself of Carrie Bradshaw when she is obsessing about her breakup with Mr. Big, and her friends tell her, “honey you’re obsessed with talking about Big, and frankly, we can’t take it anymore.” I obsess about what hurts me and I don’t know what else to do. And I know the people around me are probably tired of it too.

So you can choose to not be “bothered” or “phased,” by what people say, but sometimes you can’t fucking help but let it bother you. How dare someone decide that it’s okay to just hit you with a laundry bag full of insults. How dare I allow myself to be unaffected by that. Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck am I to be around someone like that? Do you know what I mean? We all CARE, even if it’s just a microscopic bit of care, we all care. We are human. Aristotle said, “All men by nature desire to know.” I do think we all desire to know, learn, feel, understand, and ultimately, care….GIVE A SHIT, ya know?

So, after that brief detour above I’ll go back to the years. As the years have gone by, and since high school it’s been almost eight, it has gotten better. Overall, better. In general, better. Great, in fact. But it’s those tiny cracks in between the “overall” and “in general” that have virtually fallen apart. It’s almost unreal, although I am well aware at how real it is. I feel the real shit everyday.

How can almost everything around me get better, but those little cracks have become a literal tear in my universe? Clearly I don’t know the answer, but for the sake of trying to be profound I thought I’d ask anyway.

Was this all a result of my actions? If so, which action started it? Moving away? Coming back? What is it about me?

Is there no one answer on what really happened? Was this all destined to happen this way? Do I dare question the universe on why it chose this path for us? But how can I not question it? It would feel rude not to question it. As if I would ever want to piss off the universe off, I must question it. Clearly it is something to be noticed and questioned. Right?

But through all of the questions and wondering, I’ve come to a place where I just have to accept what is, and continue forward so that my overall can continue to be better. I will carry on the way I always do, because it’s clearly working to some degree. Just not so much in certain areas. But since those cracks and tears were so unexpected, how am I supposed to know how to repair them if I don’t even know how they got there?

Am I supposed to call in a specialist to analyze the cracks and write me up a proper repair plan and what it costs? Because this truly feels like one of those situations where the inspector comes in and says “this will need to be completely redone.” And you say to yourself, “fucking great, how much will this cost?”

I assume it will cost a great deal of myself, parts of myself I am not willing to sacrifice for anyone. I know who I am and who I will continue to be. I know who I will always be to you, and what you will always be to me. And that’s just it.

All the little cracks we’ve stepped on, will not be repaired. I tried, but failed. You don’t try, so you failed. I place blame, so I fail. You ignore, so you fail. So we failed each other, you see, and if we ever come to a place of success, I will know inside that this was just a phase. Not a phase like when I would draw stars beside my eye in dark eyeliner. Not a phase like when you sneak out of the house and act like you didn’t disobey. A phase in which the universe decided this is how this time in life was meant to be.

So I guess there is nothing left to do but to wait it out. Whether the success ever comes, I have made the choices, I have made the effort, but I am exhausted by the effort. I will not entertain the idea of changing who I am, and neither will you. So we don’t. And so we will live with the cracks, the tears, the chipped paint, the peeled wall paper. All the little cracks.

I started writing this with the intention to talk about the new year that is fast approaching, but I don’t know that I particularly have a ton to say.

Let it be known I do not participate in new year bullshit, (bullshit being the idea that you need a new year to put anything into action) but a new decade is something to make plans for, wouldn’t you say?

To put it very, very simply, I plan to continue being only who I know how to be. I have no interest in pretending to be anything else in any situation I may find myself in. I will be making tweaks on how I choose to respond to certain things, and I will only be making subtle changes in my day to day in order to become more productive. And sure, I’ve written down a few things I’d like to make more of an effort with, but for the most part I just take each day as it comes. I have no deadlines, no pressure, no enormous list of things I need to deeply change. And I feel lucky. Lucky to be in a place where life has become good and steady. Lucky to be a person who knows what feels good and what does not. Lucky to be conscious of where to be and where not to be, for me. “Me” is usually considered selfish. But selfish is what those people are who think you shouldn’t consider yourself first. So that, I choose not to be. Me is who I choose to be.

Ta ta to the decade! Hello to the new one!