perksofbeingmel

if there was every a time to give my body the credit it deserves, it would be now at 31, almost 32 years old.

I’ve never had an appreciation for it the way I do right now – coming out of a 7 year stretch of avoiding dairy like the plague, I am free of the allergy. How? Not sure. Why? Not sure either. But I have a guess. *exhale*

It’s been about a year of no contact with my mom – who to my surprise, wasn’t the person I thought she was. *exhale*

It’s been over 3 years of therapy with someone who gets me – learning how to care for myself before others, dealing with the thoughts in my head, learning how to navigating life as the most un-adult like, adult, ever, and figuring out how to be the best version of myself in all aspects of life. *exhale*

I had my very first surgery a little over year ago. My fear was mostly of the doctors, the drugs, the act of not being in control of myself at all and trusting strangers. But a routine procedure gave me the ability to release a huge chunk of what I was anxious about daily – monthly. *exhale*

I gave up on the idea that my sister would become who she used to be to me. And I decided to accept the good moments and not yearn for anything other than what was in front of me. *exhale*

I found the best friend I’ve always wanted. She has never tried to change me, tell me I’m too much, and she didn’t give up on me when there were a few times I subconsciously tried to self sabotage us early on in our friendship . *exhale*

It’s helped me clear out parts of me that thought my dad and I didn’t connect – when in fact, we can, do, and always did. It’s helped me understand he’s the one who’s never tried to change me – I can only try to express my gratitude for that now. *exhale*

I made a decision – something I don’t do with ease, to step away from something I thought would be forever. But with the death of my dogs, became the death of my passion for anything dog related. So I closed my security blanket – my business that gave me so much but was no longer giving what I needed or wanted. *exhale*

I put myself back out there. Overqualified according to other dog related establishments. Under qualified in all other fields. I’m trying to walk back the feelings of “ashamed” or “not good enough” or “low brow” of what I’m currently doing and actually enjoying. *soon to be exhale*

I made a big decision back in high school that I was not open to being on medication. To this day, I think the 1-3 days I might have tried it back then, all I remember seeing in my head and kind of in person, was darkness. The idea to try it again over a decade later has crossed my mind a few times. But I can appreciate now that I still don’t think it’s something I’m open too, even though 15 hours of the day I cannot stand or escape the bullshit that runs through my mind. *soft exhale*

My body is helping me get back to a more creative state. Back to where I’ve always wanted to be. It’s allowing me to write what I know, and share with whomever might click into it. It’s let me be hesitant to share for years – the fear of others reading and taking offense. But now it’s helping me let go of that – and letting me create and share more freely, knowing all I do is share what is true to me – not to cause pain, not to ensue resentment, but it heal, to do what I love, to breathe – *exhale*

My body has carried me this far, trusting my head, my heart, my soul, to do right by it. It’s never given up on me. It’s kept going day in and day out as I try to figure out what the fuck I feel each moment of everyday, because my body knows I can never just sit in one moment or single feeling. What choices I want to make. The stress I’ll avoid, or endure. It’s understanding of the sedentary shift I made and am trying to get out of. It helps me hold back tears and let them out. It lets me enjoy life in a new way again, without worry of death by dairy. It’s carrying me forward through different forms of grief all at the same time. It knows my stress and anxious feelings aren’t gone forever, not even close. But it knows I’m on my way to a new way of living. *inhale. exhale.*