just a few years ago I was actually losing my marbles about turning 30. I even got a stamp tattoo with my handwriting of “29” in it to commemorate the feelings, my last year in my 20’s and the unknown of what 30 meant for me.
I am no stranger to putting emphasis on things. I am all about emphasis. if there’s something to celebrate, emphasize, or commemorate, I’ll be doing it.
I used to write a number of things I’ve learned or thought for the age I was turning, and it’s been far too long since I’ve done it.
This year I got into a new kind of journaling. I add stickers and notes and photos to a mini journal and I document things daily. It’s been something I look forward to doing everyday & a great way to document literally anything and everything.
But I also love writing here & for this birthday/this last year of my life, it made me feel like it was time for;
32 things about my 31st year
- while it feels like it’s often ‘too late’ for certain things, this I know for sure: it’s never too late to change who you think you are
- life will make you change parts of yourself, resisting is a waste of time, go with the flow bro, the universe actually has your back if you’re open
- changing parts of yourself will scare other people – I think people deserve grace with their reaction, but pay close attention to their behavior after you’ve given them grace
- true understanding is hard to come by, I’m thankful for those that understand me and accept me, and even those that don’t understand me, but accept me anyway. I guess who cares about acceptance too, but let’s be for real sometimes we do.
- I feel like I spent my 20’s raising my dogs, building/maintaining my marriage and supporting my husbands military career/trying to stay afloat in my own mind. 30’s have been for really figuring out out how to fully be who I am and the energy I want in my life.
- I have infinite love and gratitude for the time I had with Mac and Prada, and of course Oscar. I know better than to try and replicate that time in my life. I’m thankful I listened to myself and how I’ve navigated the (ongoing) grief of that. I can’t explain the shift in me since losing them. But as mgk said: “this feels like the opposite of real life” is the best way to describe it.
- speaking of mgk, I have to shout out my tik Tok and instagram friends I made from posting mgk related content. I’ve made real friends from it and it’s really fucking cool. and shout out to kells for providing the soundtracks to my life since 2010. lost American tour was seriously special and I’m so proud and thankful to have been apart of it all. xx
- I’ve had the worst possible things said to me this year from my own mom and I’m tired of thinking about it and I’m sure as fuck tired of not saying it out loud. I’m leaving that shit behind at midnight bro. FUCK
- growth will have you worrying less about what other people think, stop you from trying to defend yourself constantly, and give you a new feeling of peace. though sometimes the worry and tendancy to actually give a fuck will creep in. that’s okay too.
- I decided to stop listening to anyone who calls me dramatic, too sensitive, stubborn or anything in that realm.
- it’s not your job to heal people just because you’ve done your own healing. it’s also okay to be around people who aren’t on the same path as you, but it is important to keep your shit in check.
- I’m back to not knowing what the fuck my path in life is and it sucks. but I’m hopeful that I can find some things along the way to fulfill me.
- owning your own shit and apologizing is a really great feeling. it’s just not a great feeling when others aren’t capable or willing to do the same.
- even if you don’t think you had a “traumatic” childhood, we all have some shit that’s worth taking a second look at.
- I made two dreams come true this year. I went to the Salvador Dali Museum and I got ducks. Thank you, Gina ❤ I love you and thank you for making my dreams come true
- it’s a cool feeling to realize that most people are just doing what they have to for themselves, and it’s not selfish at all. (yes selfish ass people exist) but you can do what’s best for yourself in a way that’s also considerate of others (when necessary anyway, sometimes we simply cannot consider others?)
- mgk and mike and blink and all my sappy movie soundtrack music and all my fav in between songs – I fucking love you.
- my dad has been getting me music related presents for a long time. from my iPods, to headphones, to mgk vinyls and a record player – having someone see and know what music means to me is everything. I love you, Dadio.
- I’m proud of myself for being thankful for my childhood. I have so many great memories despite being able to remember some really difficult times. kickball, baseball, basketball and army crawling in the back yard with dad. being double bounced on the trampoline. staying up too late doing dumb shit with Chet. riding the grammy mobile with bear. kids kingdom adventures with Cindy, bear and Chet. concerts and shopping with buster. going across the country with dad in the truck. hockey games. middle school and high school memories when I had friends. feeling like everyone actually kind of came together around graduation. the feeling of true accomplishment, talent and people being proud of me while being a gymnast. and a lot of other things I’m grateful to have experienced amidst growing up.
19. I’m so thankful for my bestie. I’ve never had someone in my life like her. I’m thankful she lets me fully be myself and is herself with me in return.
20. after years of talking about moving, we finally did it. I am so proud of us for finally doing it. It was hard for me to leave behind our first house and all the memories of Mac and Prada, but it felt like exactly the right time and like there wasn’t much left for us there anymore. I’m so thankful or our new home and for Kyler making our dreams come true.
21. I think about Washington State and Tennessee daily. I can’t believe what my life became and how lucky I am to have lived out of Michigan and all the beautiful things that came from those years.
22. I’m also thankful I’m able to love where I live now. I disliked being in Michigan for the longest time because in my adolescent head, it was where no-one understood me and nothing felt right. My Carrie Bradshaw dreams are alive and well but I know I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I have been nicknamed “farmer Mel” by my husband now…HA!
23. I don’t know much about forgiveness yet, but I know I need to be more open to it in certain aspects. I know everyone says it’s for you and not for other people, but what does it mean when other people try to force forgiveness on you? what’s that shit about? anyway, I’ll be figuring out what forgiveness means to me when I’m ready.
24. I’m going to work on my judgement and first impressions better – I tend to try and see the good in everyone which is actually not a good thing sometimes. I tend to overlook people who are actually kinda creepy, misleading, and just not good humans.
25. I realized I’m capable of surviving some pretty crazy shit, and that feels…interesting, bittersweet.
26. I don’t think my writing dreams will ever come true in this life, but I do think I can make something of what I write – I’ll be trying to figure that out in the next few years. write what you know.
27. for the first time ever I thought “hm, if I could go back to school (and pass math lol) I’d probably try to become a graphic designer or writer, or just study philosophy because I love it. and that was an interesting thought to have.
28. in a way, I’m thankful for the bad things that happened to me this year, people aren’t just talking out of their ass when they say that’s where growth happens. I’m so proud of myself for deciding what I want and need and actually following through, making decisions and following my feelings day by day.
29. shout out to 29 year old me who was scared shitless to turn thirty – you were right big dawg! 😅
30. “by the time I die, I’ll be the realest, got a lot up on my mind, that’s why I mind my business. Said I’m steady on my vibe. fuck your feelings. By the time I die I’ll be the realest. give no fucks about no pictures, except the big one. y’all go head and tie them laces, you know you trippin. everybody wants attention, don’t care who gives it, just as long as they get it, they think they winnin. But none of that’s a win to me, guess I’m different than yall”
31. “this time I don’t think I’ll turn back, this time imma do shit my way. I’m gone by the time they come back, this route is a one road highway. same face with a brand new wardrobe, my old clothes in gasoline.”
32. “the only moral aim is to be true to the reality of my inner life”
perksofbeingmel 
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