perksofbeingmel

pretentious

the way she stands on her tippy toes

the tone of her voice that makes you feel smaller

vivid memories of her walking away from the mirror to check herself out

queen of high school and now queen of life to many eyes

as kids I’d asked her how to be cool like her

she said to read magazines

so I did

she said my big front teeth were funny

and I believed her

she told me I was born in a shack on the side of the road

and I believed her

she was still my best friend

we had infinite inside jokes and when she went away to college she always said she missed me

she cared for me for a long time, but then that time was over

when I tried to make things better, she used a lifetime of insulting words to stab me.

the words didn’t cut, they stabbed me. and i’ve been bleeding for years

years later we could be in the same room

i’d have 3 therapy session before entering the room

and 3 more to follow

years later we don’t pretend anymore, we enter the room with vague eye contact, a cold hug and no goodbye

years later I feel better not having to pretend, but there’s still some blood on the floor

years later I get the same treatment from whom we got our dna from

pretentious

holier than thou complex

hypocritical to the highest degree

no concept of personal accountablity

“forgiving” only in the conditional way

loving only in the return on investment way

caring only in the ‘this deserves recognition’ kind of way

the word ‘victim’ would be tattooed on my family’s forehead if they weren’t also vain

a year later I don’t fully understand, but I recognize

love was present until it wasn’t. trauma was there in the ways most can’t see with eyes

my sensitivity was their weapon but now it’s my superpower

we loved each other for some time, I don’t feel everything was fake

but while everyone else around me ignores their behavior, I’m drowning, bleeding, suffering

I don’t presume myself blameless

I don’t speak to inflict pain

I know how harsh everything I wrote is

but not nearly as harsh as the whole truth of the pretentious family I left